This morning I was beginning to really like things, everything. I went to work, and I actually had fun. I was having a really good, happy day, and then all of a sudden I wasn't.

I went through the most horrible thing today that anyone could ever imagine. It's the kind of thing that happens in movies, but you would never ever think it would really happen, especially to you.  Im not even gonna say what it is because that would be absolutely humiliating and just bad.

I dont know what to do anymore....I need to scream

I worked Wednesday, Thursday, today, and then I work tomorrow and the day after. Im working as much as possible because I want all the money I can get.

Im gonna start painting my room as soon as I have time. I want it done before school starts but I doubt thats gonna happen. Time is running out fast.

Work was really fun tonight. I got to cut up tomatoes as garnishes. I cut designs into them and made them pretty haha. It was fun. And Shane kissed me again so Im not complaining about anything tonight.

I dont even know how to describe today. I don't have any emotions about it. It was just there. First I woke up early for band camp. Paige was going to pick me up at 7:40 in the morning and we were going to go over together. It comes around to 7:40, then 7:50...we're supposed to be ready to work at 8, so I try calling her and texting her and for the 1st time ever, she doesnt call or text back. So Im beginning to worry about her. Or she might have even been at the school and forgot about picking me up.

At 8:30 Brent calls and wants to know why Im not there. I tell him the situation and he says she isnt there and she isnt answering her phone either. She always has her phone with her, so now Im really curious. Brent has Mr. Clever come pick me up so I finally get to band camp at 9. One hour late. Band camp was band camp..not fun, especially without Paige. I left at 2 so I could take a shower before I went to work. Then at work, I was extremely tired and couldnt bring myself to do anything, so Shane pretty much did it for me. I was just standing there pretending to be doing something all night. I just didnt have the energy. So then me, paige, and shane go out to uno's. Usually the whole staff goes, but tonight they all went to Black Bear to get drunk instead. That sucks, because it was kind of boring at Unos and it would have been a lot more fun if everyone would have been there.

So that was my day, and now Im going to go to bed and sleep for as long as I humanly can.

So I had an interesting day. First, I oversleep. I don't have time to wash my hair (oh no)! I leave in a hurry for my weekly psychotherapy, which goes fairly good. I only cried for like 10 minutes and it's not even enough to need a tissue, so Im getting much better. The only thing about it that surprised me is that my therapist, Janie, said I was odd. You would'nt think that therapists usually tell their patients that they are odd.Their job is to tell you that you are perfectly normal. But she said it anyway.

See, I have a sort of obsession with blood. Im really attracted to someone if they have a cut on their lower arms or legs. So attracted that I feel an urge to suck it off. A lot of people think its weird and that Im a freak for wanting to do this. But the other day at work, someone cut theirself with a knife and the way the blood dripped out was so beautiful. I got light-headed and had to leave or else I would have jumped on him. It wouldnt be a problem if  i were dating someone who didn't mind. But Shane is a very good boy, and would NEVER approve of something like that. This makes things difficult, because what would I do if he got cut one day? I cant just go suck it because he would think I was a freak.

I might try to stop but if I do, it's going to be hard. Janie said it had something to do with not being afraid of pain and wanting others to feel pain so they could understand me more. Or it could be that I have some eating disorder where I crave something un-nutritious. She said I may be wanting blood because of all the iron in it and I might need more iron. Theres so many different reasons, I'll never know why I really like it.

Next I had group therapy. It went pretty good. It was just like regular conversation, no drama or conflicct, which was nice for a change.

Then we started home, but we stopped at Willo so I could pick up my paycheck, which was small since I left for vacation. I gathered a cup of cookies and headed to band camp. I had missed the whole first day of camp, except the last hour. I showed up and worked drill for an hour, then left. Uneventful. Tomorrow, however, I have to go the whole day. I hate waking up early.

I will probably write again soon, because a comment from Brendan has kept me going....I will never have 43 comments, but I appreciate even 1 haha.

I came to the conclusion today that xanga may not be so great after all. Its fun to do and all, but you get to be friends with these people who you aren't even sure that they exist. Your best xanga friend may be a fat dirty old man who claims he's young and handsome. Bull Crap.

Half the people on here don't really care about you anyway. They could care less what you write. They're too concerned with their own xanga that they sometimes dont even bother to admire others sites. Why dont you just get a regular journal if you're not gonna comment on peoples xanga? you're just wasting peoples time. some people pour their hearts out on their xanga and they get nothing in return. This is just sick.